I went out for dinner with the girls the other night to a Mediterranean restaurant called ‘Terra’. Boz was there…a girl with a Russian dad who is in the arms dealing business. Nice girl, RUDE AS HELL. She told me I had ‘man boobs‘…which I found absolutely despicable.
Not that I don’t have what could LOOSELY be defined as man boobs…but that the definition is so black and white. From puberty girls seem to follow the progress of their chest progression in the minutest detail, and have the most precise of sliding scale to work with. I recall long debates on the school bus between girls who would swear that a 34B is bigger than a 32C…or that a 36C was actually a 34D with labelling issues. If the Cambridge Exam board had offered a GCSE in underwear sizing, the percentage of 5 A-C at schools up and down the country would have spiked (note to Education Minister).
What do we get? Man boobs. No training bra, no waist measurement, no cup size…just straight to the pain. And our pain is a silent pain, one which can not be talked about with our closest buddies at sleepovers while painting and repainting our toe and fingernails…it’s an insecurity that you can’t shake, following you into the swimming pool, gym…even into those tight(ish) t-shirts that you used to look good in.
But no more! No longer do men have to suffer in silence! I’m opening the first ‘support group’ (no pun intended) for guys who woke up one morning after a couple of months of living the good life with a little extra padding around their upper torso. Male-Affected Normal Breasts and Penis Syndrome (M.A.N.B.A.P.S) is a disease which should be treated as such…its sufferers should not be shunned, but supported.
Men – you can *and should* fight back against those who oppress and abuse you! Here is a short tutorial in how to stand up for yourself against those who would seek to criticise you about your maladie:
Girl: You have man boobs!
Man: You’re ugly.
Man: You don’t.
Man: You’re fat.
Man: You have a gunt.
Man: You’ll die alone.
Man: You have cellulite in your face.
The last one is especially useful as it causes confusion to go along with insult…always a great tandem.
Right now I’m working on a corset-like device which all sufferers will be able to wear to force any ‘excess’ on the front around the back (much like an inverted Wonderbra, I’ll keep you posted). In the meantime, my fellow men, try to live by the code of the resistance:
– Stay strong
– Fight back
– Don’t listen to the knockers