Sainsbury’s loses at time

NO! THAT’S NOT HOW TIME WORKS!

Why Burger King is absolutely screwed.

Is it the £5 burgers? The fact you can’t pay by card? The inferiority of their chips vs. those of McDonald’s? Not even.

I’ll have it my way please – with a roof.

Final customer escape hatch…

I’m not cleaning it up.

There is a frigging huge hole in the roof, dripping water and dirt into the restaurant. Into the RESTAURANT. Can you imagine this happening in a McDo? It wouldn’t.

BK have nothing going for them right now (WAY too expensive, customer numbers decreasing, branches closing…), and yet they continue to make elementary mistakes and go about their business as if they don’t care whether they go bankrupt or not. And they will go bankrupt. And I won’t miss them.

But I will miss their burgers.

Hi! Are you a doctor? Please help. Thx!

Yesterday my eye was a little bit itchy (not bitchy), right in the corner. I tried not to rub it (thanks for the advice 20 years ago Mum!) but it gradually seemed to get worse during the day.

By evening it was quite painful. It ached a lot, especially if I happened to lean over (with blood coming into it I suppose). Anyway, when I woke up it felt heavy…

…and it was swollen like a boxer! Can I get some medical advice please?

How to order KFC delivery in Shanghai (如果在上海叫肯德基外卖)

After the runaway success of my previous masterpiece, How to order Mcdonald’s delivery in Shanghai, I decided to try to answer another question – just how do you order KFC delivery in Shanghai?

在我之前的杰作‘如果在上海叫麦当劳外卖’无法控制的成功了以后，我决定回答另外一个问题-那就是如果在上海叫肯德基外卖？

The results are staggeringly easy:

结果很简单

Step 1
Call 4008-823-823 from your mobile or home phone.

步骤1
用你的手机或者固定电话拨打4008-823-823

Step 2
It should be a human answering (not a machine like Mcdonald’s), so just say “I’d like to make an order for delivery please”. They will then connect you with an English speaker.

步骤2
应该是人工接听（不像麦当劳是语音的），然后只要说‘我想叫一个外卖。’他们会把你转给说英语的人。

Step 3
They will now ask for your address. Go ahead and give it to them. Don’t be afraid of telling them the ‘two road intersection’ that you’re near, too. It might make your chicken arrive quicker!

步骤3
他们会问你的地址。给他们就好，最好也告诉他们你附近的交叉路名。这样你的鸡能到的快一些！

Step 4
Ordering time. Ok, don’t expect the same service that you get inside a KFC branch. You can order what you want, but some things aren’t available. Like chips (french fries). I mean…what turf? I don’t care if they’re cold when they arrive. You can order mashed potato (3.5rmb) though! Quite fun.

步骤4
点单时间！别指望你能得到在肯德基餐厅里面同样的服务。你可以点任何你想要的，但是有些东西是没有的。比如薯条。嗯……有没有搞错?我不介意他们到的时候是否会凉掉。你只能点土豆泥了（3.5元）！很有意思。

This beef wrap + 2 wings + orange juice was 27.5rmb. Blammo.

这是个牛肉卷+2个鸡翅+橙汁=27.5元。

The lack of fries makes combo deals slightly different, with two chicken wings taking the place of their potato cousins. They also don’t sell single cokes or pepsi – you have to either get juice or a big-ass bottle of Pepsi (1.25l), but it’s cheap so do it. You’re going to need something to wash the greasy chicken down.

缺少薯条的组合有一点小不同，只有让2个鸡翅代替他们的土豆姐妹了。他们同样不提供可口可乐或百事可乐-你只能要橙汁或者一大瓶百事（1.25升），不过那很便宜，所以买也无妨。你需要一些东西去处鸡肉的油脂。

Finally, order some egg tarts! They’re 25rmb for 6 (expensive) but tasty as hell. Make good breakfast too.

最后叫一些蛋挞吧！25元6个（贵）但是非常好吃。也是很好的早餐。

The service is from 10am until 10pm – NO 4AM MUNCHIES FOR YOU! The delivery costs 6mb no matter how much you order, and they specifically put on their website that you DON’T HAVE TO TIP. Deal.

服务从早上十点到晚上十点-没有早上4点的外送！外卖费为6元，无论你点了多少东西，并且他们特别在网站上写了不用给小费。成交。

The best gift you’ll never get

Every time I fly, I wear a suit. I say ‘a suit’, I mean ‘my suit’. I only have one. When I wear this suit I feel like a ‘pwoper businessman’, and I think the feeling of professionalism which I have in my gut is broadcasted on my subconcious radio station and interpreted by the Airport staff, who in turn give me absolutely no trouble.

Until this time.

Oytun: You don’t need to wear the suit! It doesn’t make a difference.
Oli: Really? It would save me space in my suitcase which I could use for bringing back…stuff.
Oytun: Do it.

Well I did it, and ten minutes after arriving at Shanghai’s PVG airport I was inside a small room, my suitcase unpacked and my smalls being investiagted by two annoyed looking Chinese policemen.

I was clearly cursed by my lack of suit, however the contents of the bag didn’t help either:

Green lantern!

The authorities, sadly, were not convinced by the safety of taking two gas powered cigarette box-cum-lighters onto the plane. I pleaded my case, but they refused to budge. I decided to bargain with them, but they decided against it, so in the end I just gave in to all of their demands.

Chinese Customs Guy: GIVE TO YOUR SHANGHAI FRIENDS!
Me: Hao de.

Sadly, I didn’t have any friends at the airport. In my grief at losing these great gifts, made a rash decision: to offer them to the altar of smoking and hope that they found a good home. Here’s hoping.

Sorry guys, no gifts. But it’s the thought that counts, right?! RIGHT?!?!

Made in China

China has a bad reputation when it comes to the quality of the products it manufactures. I really dislike blanket statements, especially when they are not well-informed, so I decided to investigate.

First up, I need a case study. Someone who has lived in China for a while and has experienced first-hand a wide variety of products and who is not afraid of making controversial statements.

Oh…I know someone! ME! Here we go then…

Item 1 – Bed

The bed is the cornerstone of a person’s personal space. It defines them and their personal life (I am big, stained and unkempt (I’m only half joking)). I think it was around four weeks after arriving in Shanghai that my bed first broke, and having looked underneath it it seemed like a miracle that it had taken any sort of Lose Weight Exercise/”>Lose Weight Exercise-weight-Lose Weight Exercise/”>Lose Weight Exercise at all.

It’s quite fortunate that I sleep alone, as trying to teach a newcomer the intricacies of body positioning to avoid falling through the mattress would be quite a task.

Item 2 – Lights

The lights have an explosion routine of around one per week. Luckily our fittings use 5 bulbs each, and so it takes a while until we notice. *Pop*!

Item 3 – Front door

We were suprised to find all of our keys not working the other night. Oytun tried to use a weapon to break the door down, but when it didn’t work, we called the (24 hour) locksmith who quickly drilled the hell out of the door and let us in.

Item 4 – Washing machine

The washing machine has broken at least three times, each requiring a call-out and a 300rmb fine payment. There seems to be no explanation for the breakdowns, other than the mysterious ‘PP’ message on the display.

Item 5 – Water boiler

Just last week, the water boiler began leaking, and then broke down. We’ve been informed that it will cost 1800rmb to replace, or if we choose to simply repair the old one it will be 600rmb per hit (which would be every couple of weeks).

Item 6 – TV

The four corners of our TV look like a rainbow. Colours are often inverted or have the hint of a Global Hypercolour t-shirt. The aerial works patchily, but even when it does work the channels kinda suck (sorry CCTV!).

Item 7 – Radio controlled helicopter

Ok this one doesn’t really deserve to be in the list, as we bought and then crashed it into the wall of the living room. It hasn’t flown well since then, but either way I don’t think China can be blamed.

Item 8 – Toilet

While I was in London this Summer, the toilet flusher snapped. I subsequently ‘fixed’ it, which means it now breaks every other week or so.

Item 9 – Tumble dryer

This also perhaps shouldn’t be in the list, as it hasn’t broken per se, it just is a piece of crap which couldn’t heat a bag of popcorn (never mind dry a tshirt).

Item 10 – The whole building

Finally, over the past three months, the whole building has been slowly being destroyed. Drilling has replaced digging which had replaced scraping as the constant soundtrack to our flat. Right now, the walls outside the flat are bare stone, the tiles which once covered the floor are in a pile outside the building and wires hang down from the ceiling, threatening to electrocute anyone over 5’6″. Lucky we’re midgets!

Conclusion
There is little or no evidence to support the idea that anything that is ‘Made in China’ is any less reliable than, say, something fabricated by rubber bands or yoghurt. Or chocolate sauce. Caveat emptor!

The most random thing happened to me today!

I’m literally gutted by The Daily Telegraph, which used to have a safe pair of hands when it came to reflecting my pet hates. The reason? They’ve just published their fairly unique ‘Top 10 Most Hated Words’ list (of both Oxford University research and Telegraph readers)….

…and RANDOM is not on it!

It’s a nightmare! I personally am confronted with this word 24/7, and at this moment in time it is basically the single biggest indicator of limited vocabulary in modern English.

At the end of the day, I shouldn’t of put my faith in the Torygraph (ok, with all due respect its political bias is neither here nor there). Going forward, I hope that the upcoming 2009 list has a new random entry at #1…it’s not rocket science!

For the full list, click: Daily Telegraph / Oxford University Hated Words

SHANGHAI ZOO PHOTOS OMFG CUTE !!!!

Joke: A blonde and a brunette fall off a cliff. Who hits the ground first?
Answer: The brunette, the blonde got lost on the way.

So while Queen Cheesie from Cheeserland.com was in Shanghai, we decided to visit Shanghai zoo. In solidarity with the lions and giraffes, she also decided to go blonde. That had its advantages – (she looked great, we (she) got asked for our (her) autograph(s)) and its disadvantages – she instantly became terrible at both remembering directions and basic decision making.

This is a vulture. It’s about as big as me, but can fly. That makes me feel a bit inadequate, but then I just taunted him with the fact that he lives in a cage and I don’t.

This is a red panda. They’re small, like 6 year old kid size. Or 4 year old kid. And if you put a cape over its eyes and cut eye holes, you’ve got an EWOK!

The DA XIONG MAO aka GIANT PANDA! They were pretty uninspiring (lazy, stupid animals that they are), but I was quite interested in the sign next to the enclosure: ‘No Flaping Glass’. Nearest action that I think you shouldn’t be doing near the glass is fapping, but i’m pretty sure nobody would put their piece near these fatboys unless they wanted it chewed off (come to think of it…).

TIGER UPPERCUT!

Niu Nai was well up for striding over and starting a fight, until he realised that his stride is about 3cm and he’d never be able to get out again.

What’s more happierer than a pig in shit? Two pigs in shiiiiiiiiiiiiit!

I heard this is a Malaysian bear! Lazy thing! Stop playing dead! Get up!

PLEASE DO NOT SKIN LEOPARD (I can feel like I’m going to regret mentioning that)…

Joke: How do you make a cat go WOOF?
Answer: Put it in a fire.

WOOF! WOOF! Say WOOF you dumb dog.

It’s a zebra, it looks like a painted horse. Actually, it’s China…it could be a painted horse.

Hey look it’s pedo-giraffe! STOP KISSING YOUR DAUGHTER WEIRDO!

I am officially taller than a giraffe. Make of that what you will.

Fat, dirty, trunk like BLAMMO…Elephants rule.

LUNCHTIME! What better to have when surrounded by animals but…animals! On sticks! Yummy here’s a duck! Looks great!

Ok actually it looks rough as hell.

Ringo didn’t seem to fancy it right away…but she soon tucked in YOU MARK MY WORDS

In the wild, animals have to survive by the code of the jungle. Kill or be killed. With that in mind, we fed a chicken drumstick to this lamb.

The word for pig in Mandarin is ‘zhu’ (pronounced ‘Jew’). I can’t think of anything amusing about this.

Niu Nai’s favourite part of the trip…Rabbit world!

It looks just like the penguin enclosure in the (nearly) Oscar winning movie – Good Luck Chuck!

Jump in boys! The water’s hot! No seriously. Jump in or it’s the stick.

And finally…what trip to the zoo is complete without a wedding? Answer: most.

Which animal is YOUR favourite?! TELL ME OR I KILL A PUPPY!

Why I don’t hate Dubai International Airport (just)

On my way to Shanghai, I had to stop in Dubai. Now Dubai (not airport) holds some happy memories for me, but I’d always found the terminal itself really horrible. Why? I’ll tell you:

1) Design
The terminal is like a huge aircraft hanger – one big open long room, with shops on each side. Scattered in between the shops and restaurants are the gates. I mean…scattered. I’m sitting in an ice-cream shop right now, and I can see gate 116 RIGHT THERE. Why is this a problem? Because the gates don’t open until like 1hr before take-off. Net result? People waiting outside the gates. And when I say waiting, I mean sleeping. And when I’m eating my apple crumble (taste of home!) and latte, I don’t want to eatch people sleep.

2) People
Dubai suffers from the ‘airport in the middle’ syndrome. No offence to Emiratis (sp?) but it’s not generally people’s final destination. So everyone is waiting. People don’t like to wait, and when they are made to, they become grumpy. Or sleepy (see point 1).

3) Size
I was excited to be landing in the NEW EMIRATES TERMINAL today…erm, except that the only difference to me was that I had to go through a 15 minute bus ride from the tarmac because we’d landed so far away from it. What turf?

4) Shops
Ok this is a small point, but since I’d been sentenced to 3 hours in the place last time I was here, I considered buying a big-ass shisha for the flat. SORRY SIR CASH ONLY DIRHAMS. Get a grip.

Ok so, that’s the bad…so why do I not hate DBX?

FREE WIFI! WOO!

Despite all my moaning, this has already been the best stopover I’ve ever had!