前几个星期算是让我小开眼界了。一个新同事来了。很多情景让我回想起我刚到中国的那几个星期。

I was super-excited when I arrived in Shanghai 20 months ago – so excited that I totally ignored nearly all of the faults which, to newcomers, are often obvious.

20个月前到上海的时候我超兴奋-由于太激动了以至于忽视了很多对于一个新来的来说很明显的不足。

The air-quality was atrocious (it’s ok, just hold your breath!), the weather was uncomfortable (that’s what aircon’s for!) and the hygiene of some places, like restaurants, leave a lot to be desired (but McDonald’s in Shanghai is so cheap!).

空气质量恶劣（只要屏住呼吸就没问题了！）天气不舒服（那就是为什么要有空调！）还有有些地方的卫生，比如餐厅，还有很大的提高空间（可是麦当劳在上海非常便宜！）

The one thing that was undeniable, however, was the friendliness and welcome of the people. Everywhere I went, I met people who were more than happy to show me around, give me info and generally help me out – which is why I’m so suprised whenever I see people who are clearly NOT friendly – like this girl:

不可否认的一点是人们很友好。我去的所有的地方，我见过的所有的人都很乐意带我转转，给我信息并且帮助我-这也是为什么当我看到那么明显的不友好的人会如此惊讶-比如这个女孩：

What sort of welcome is that for a lonely fresh-off-the-plane expat? I was considering having a word with her and trying to let her know that it’s not polite to be so abrupt with people…until I saw the front…

对于一个孤身来此的外国人这是哪门子的友好？我正想告诉她这样对人不礼貌而且非常鲁莽…直到我看到前面…

…now that’s more like it! Welcome to Shanghai!

…现在才像话！欢迎来上海！

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我真心喜欢我们这里的盗版DVD商店。2层楼都是电影，音乐，cd和电视剧。在那里的工作人员总是很有意思并且很放松，而且如果片子的质量不是100%的好，他们绝对会如实告诉你。

I went in last week and spent a bit of time in one of my favourite sections – Classic Movies.

上个星期我去哪里花了点时间选我最喜欢的一个部分的片子-经典电影。

I haven’t seen ‘Weather Man’, but I’m sure it’s a real classic (because everything Nicolas Cage touches turns to gold). Part drama, part action film…and part philosophy?

我没看过‘天气预报员’，但是我相信这是个经典的片子（因为Nicolas Cage能点石成金）。一点情节，一点动作的片子…还有一点哲学？

I couldn’t have said it butter myself, Nick.
我已经说得够清纯了, Nick.

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有些人常常抱怨上海的客服，可是我发现我工作的地方旁边的一个咖啡馆，他们会感谢你如果你拿他们开玩笑！

I wonder what they’d do if you didn’t pay?

我在想，如果你吃霸王餐他们会拿你怎么样？

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Maybe there is some subliminal messaging in this sign?
也许这里面还有某些引申义？

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通常我都不会转帖到这里（或者把别的地方的东西拿来用），但是我真的很喜欢这张中国考卷（真心的）。如果你也喜欢这样的小品，可以上Funny in China – 趣味中国!，那里有很多有趣的视频和图片！

It says:
Question
Write an article about love.

Requirements
1. Use brief and refined language
2. The story should end tragically
3. No word limit

Answer
Will you marry me?
“Fuck off!”

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在英国的家里看完Derren Brown的乐透号码预测后（我的家庭始终不知道为什么他能做到！），彩票热就此笼罩着…我。中国确实也有彩票（中国福利彩票），而且卖了是为了对社会福利项目提供资金（因此得名）。正如你可能（不）记得的，我已经（基本）中过英国的彩票（见赶跑信贷危机阴霾-第1部分-狂欢），所以我需要找些比’彩票’更难中的东西。

There has never been a better invention in world history. A scratch card, given for free as part of your receipt in a restaurant or bar, which gives you the chance of winning cash money FOR FREE! Amazing? Yes. Innovative? Sure. Impossible to win? Damn right.

这是史无前例的最好的发明。刮刮卡，免费出现在你从餐厅或酒吧得到的发票上，也就是说它给你一个免费赢现金的机会！神奇吗？是的。创新吗？当然。不可能中？确实。

I have done in-depth, scientific research on this topic, and it turned out that nobody had ever won anything scratching these receipts. Some people knew somebody who’d met somebody who had a friend who’d won, but nobody could put the cold, hard evidence in my hand and say ‘Oli, I’m a winner!’.

关于这个主题，我做了深入的科学研究，事实证明，没有人通过刮发票中过奖。有些人说他们认识的朋友的朋友的谁曾经好像中过，可是我不介意别人泼我冷水，铁的事实在我的手中，说着’Oli，我赢了！’。

Fittingly, it was a Wednesday night (the one week anniversary of Derren Brown’s TV lottery stunt) when we sat down for hot-pot. There was a mood of excitement, a nervous calm before the storm of luck which was about to erupt on our table.

那是一个星期三的晚上（Derren Brown的电视彩票特技一周周年庆）我们在吃火锅的时候。有一种令人兴奋的心情，好运来临之前的宁静，好象马上就要爆发在这张桌子上了。

When I handed over the cash for the bill, there seemed to be a golden glow surrounding the palms of the waitress, like a Ryu fireball about to be fired across the room. It was time. Scratch, scratch…

就在我付现金的时候，似乎看到女服务员的手掌被金色光芒环绕着，就好像是个将要被发射穿过整个房间的火球。我想是时候了。我刮，我刮，我刮刮刮…

We were ecstatic, hugging and cheering…dancing a little…high-5ing…we had broken the curse and proved that nothing is impossible, and impossible is nothing.

我们欣喜若狂，互相拥抱，欢呼… 跳舞…击掌…我们已经打破了诅咒，证明没有什么是不可能的，以及没有什么是不可能的。

Now, where do we cash it in?!

现在，我们要去哪里兑现它呢？！

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I like to think of myself as an expert on Fast Food. A connoisseur, if you will. My love for cheap, delicious, (generally) “beef” based nutrition can be traced back to my youth – growing up in a remote rural time-warp with no shops (never mind a burger bar) meant that they always held some kind of magical charm for me.

我自觉可以称得上是个快餐专家了。你也可以说我是个行家。我对既便宜，又好吃（通常来说）还蕴涵基础营养的‘牛肉’的喜爱可以追溯到我的年轻时代–生长在偏远农村的时代—周围没有商店（更别说汉堡吧了）意味着这些快餐对于我来说有着某种神奇的魅力。

I pride myself on my knowledge of the industry, indeed if you search for Mcdonald’s Shanghai you should find my ’self-help’ guide on ordering delivery here in the biggest city in China. However, all good things must come to an end, and a couple of days ago I met my match.

我对自己在这个领域的知识相当自豪，如果你搜索上海麦当劳，你应该可以找到我的关于在中国最大的城市的外卖‘自助’服务指南。不过，所有好的东西一定都有结束的一天，就在几天前我遇到了一次挑战。

The Burger King 4-stack.

汉堡王4层汉堡。

Theoretically, it was my dream burger. Bread, four burgers, two bacon, mayo and a little ketchup. No huge chunks of onion to distract you, no disgusting tomato…just flame grilled beef and a smile. What could go wrong?

理论上讲，这是我梦寐以求的汉堡。面包，4层汉堡，2块培根，蛋黄酱和一点番茄酱。没有很多洋葱，也没有讨厌的番茄…只有烤牛肉和一个微笑。那会有什么问题？

I began eating, and it was heavenly. I would often take bites from the top instead of the side (due to the brick-like nature of the burgers) – it was an experience to behold…who could have designed such a marvel? But just like in Independence Day, the beautiful strange suddenly turned on me…

我开吃了，这个神圣的汉堡。通常我吃汉堡都是从上面开始的，而不是旁边（原理和砖一样）-多是个叹为观止的经历…是谁竟然设计出这样的奇迹？可是就像独立日一样，美丽的变化突然发生在我的身上…

I ate it, all but one bite. I felt fuller than usual after eating fast-food (I usually eat very quickly, so I don’t feel full until it hits my stomach 10 minutes later). I nibbled some fries and ate some ice-cream (free sundae!)…but an uneasy feeling was sweeping over me.

我吃了，可是只是咬了一口。我觉得比我平时吃完快餐后都要饱（通常我都吃很快，所以我一般都不觉得饱，直到10分钟以后他们到我胃里）。我吃了几根薯条和一点点冰淇淋（免费的圣代！）…可是我觉得浑身都不太舒服。

Perhaps a walk around the mall would help digestion? I stood up to go, but a feeling of light-headed numbness swept over me. THE BURGER WAS KILLING ME!

可能走一会儿可以帮助消化？我站起来准备走会，可是一种头晕目眩的感觉包围了我。这个汉堡杀了我！

The next two hours were a constant battle between man and meat. I couldn’t concentrate, had early-onset meat sweats and wished, for perhaps the first time in my life, that I hadn’t eaten that Burger King meal.

接下来的2个小时就是一场人和肉的较量。我没法集中注意力，出现早发性食肉导致的流汗并且希望，可能是我人生中第一次，我希望我没吃那顿汉堡王。

Has anybody else had a clean victory against the 4-stack burger at BK? Let me know – I need some moral support right now!

有谁在汉堡王战胜过这个4层汉堡吗？告诉我-现在我需要一些精神上的支持！

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某日我跟我一群学生重温了遍生死时速。经典的电影啊！基努•李维斯…即将站上世界的舞台…桑德拉•布洛克…嗯…在她消失然后投身于B级影片前她确实享受了5分钟的名望（对，我说的就是网络惊魂！）

The next day we were driving near Huaihai Lu when I saw this bus. I’m not sure what it was, but I really wouldn’t feel comfortable taking it….

次日当我们在淮海路上开车的时候看到了这辆公车。我不确定它的样子，但是我确实不敢上这辆车…

…it wasn’t going very fast, but then…maybe it hadn’t reached 50mph yet!

…车开得不快，可是…它可能都不超过80km/h！

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总有新同事加入公司，不管是不是你喜欢的。如果你看过‘千谎百计’（你应该看过），你会知道通过肢体语言能看出很多潜意识的东西-可是最糟糕的是有些人故意那样让你生气。那就是可恶了。

That has happened with my new colleague. Usually, when some tadpole joins an office, they will make an effort to stay out of trouble, keep a low profile and generally be nice. Well this guy is just the opposite. You see, in our office there are only around 10 desks – but there are 12 staff. This means that sometimes people have to share desks, and generally be flexible.

这个就发生在我的新同事身上。通常，当有新人来办公室，都会尽量不惹麻烦，保持低调和友好。可是这个家伙正好相反。瞧，在我们办公室只有大概10张桌子-可是有12个员工。这就意味着有时候大家需要合用一下桌子，非常灵活的。

Not me, though. I hate it when people sit in my seat, as it is MY OWN GLORIOUS MESS. If anyone does sit in my seat, I invariably lose half of my papers and notes and have to redo them. Terrible.

尽管不是我。我讨厌别人坐我的椅子，因为那是我自己的弄得乱七八糟的椅子。如果别人坐在我椅子上，我总是要弄丢一半的纸，笔记，然后不得不重新做这些。太可怕了。

So anyway, back to the story. On his first day, not only did my new colleague hop into my seat, AND steal my nametag….

无管怎样，我们回到这个故事，我抓到了这个扒手！ 在他上班的第一天！他竟然坐在我的位子上，还偷我的名牌…

…but he also stole the shirt off my back! I’m pond-ering my revenge!

…而且他还偷了我的T恤！我一定要报仇雪恨！

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Today we went for lunch at Chris Cafe, on Shanghai’s Nan Hui Lu near Beijing Xi Lu (behind Plaza 66). It looks pretty crappy from the outside (actually it always looks closed), but once you go inside (and up the stairs) it’s a really nice, HK style restaurant with a pretty wide range of dishes (Brocolli gratin = the bomb!)…

今天我们去了上海南汇路靠近北京西路（恒隆广场背后）的基斯餐厅吃午饭。这个餐厅从外面看很不入流（事实上它总是看起来像是关门的），但是一旦你走进去了（并且上楼），那就真的很漂亮，港式餐厅，里面有很多种菜式（奶油西兰花=炸弹！）…

The food, however, was not the main attraction. At the top of the stairs (on the 2nd floor) is a delightful arrangement of lamps…

不过菜肴不是那里最吸引人的。在楼梯上（2楼）有一组非常漂亮的灯饰…

…I don’t usually like dogs, but these ones are great! They’re quiet, they don’t crap everywhere, they do what you tell them…

…通常我不喜欢狗，可是这些是在是很棒！他们很安静，他们不会到处大便，他们做你要他们做的事情…

…but as with so many things in this crazy world, if you look closer you will uncover a horrible truth…

…可是这个疯狂的世界有很多东西，如果你靠近看，就会发现被掩盖了的可怕的真相…

…now I know what they do to these poor animals, I’ll never go back!

…现在我知道他们对这些可怜的动物做了什么，我再也不会去了！

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