Burger King 1 – 0 Oli (汉堡王 1-0 Oli)

I like to think of myself as an expert on Fast Food. A connoisseur, if you will. My love for cheap, delicious, (generally) “beef” based nutrition can be traced back to my youth – growing up in a remote rural time-warp with no shops (never mind a burger bar) meant that they always held some kind of magical charm for me.

我自觉可以称得上是个快餐专家了。你也可以说我是个行家。我对既便宜，又好吃（通常来说）还蕴涵基础营养的‘牛肉’的喜爱可以追溯到我的年轻时代–生长在偏远农村的时代—周围没有商店（更别说汉堡吧了）意味着这些快餐对于我来说有着某种神奇的魅力。

I pride myself on my knowledge of the industry, indeed if you search for Mcdonald’s Shanghai you should find my ‘self-help’ guide on ordering delivery here in the biggest city in China. However, all good things must come to an end, and a couple of days ago I met my match.

我对自己在这个领域的知识相当自豪，如果你搜索上海麦当劳，你应该可以找到我的关于在中国最大的城市的外卖‘自助’服务指南。不过，所有好的东西一定都有结束的一天，就在几天前我遇到了一次挑战。

The Burger King 4-stack.

汉堡王4层汉堡。

Theoretically, it was my dream burger. Bread, four burgers, two bacon, mayo and a little ketchup. No huge chunks of onion to distract you, no disgusting tomato…just flame grilled beef and a smile. What could go wrong?

理论上讲，这是我梦寐以求的汉堡。面包，4层汉堡，2块培根，蛋黄酱和一点番茄酱。没有很多洋葱，也没有讨厌的番茄…只有烤牛肉和一个微笑。那会有什么问题？

I began eating, and it was heavenly. I would often take bites from the top instead of the side (due to the brick-like nature of the burgers) – it was an experience to behold…who could have designed such a marvel? But just like in Independence Day, the beautiful strange suddenly turned on me…

我开吃了，这个神圣的汉堡。通常我吃汉堡都是从上面开始的，而不是旁边（原理和砖一样）-多是个叹为观止的经历…是谁竟然设计出这样的奇迹？可是就像独立日一样，美丽的变化突然发生在我的身上…

I ate it, all but one bite. I felt fuller than usual after eating fast-food (I usually eat very quickly, so I don’t feel full until it hits my stomach 10 minutes later). I nibbled some fries and ate some ice-cream (free sundae!)…but an uneasy feeling was sweeping over me.

我吃了，可是只是咬了一口。我觉得比我平时吃完快餐后都要饱（通常我都吃很快，所以我一般都不觉得饱，直到10分钟以后他们到我胃里）。我吃了几根薯条和一点点冰淇淋（免费的圣代！）…可是我觉得浑身都不太舒服。

Perhaps a walk around the mall would help digestion? I stood up to go, but a feeling of light-headed numbness swept over me. THE BURGER WAS KILLING ME!

可能走一会儿可以帮助消化？我站起来准备走会，可是一种头晕目眩的感觉包围了我。这个汉堡杀了我！

The next two hours were a constant battle between man and meat. I couldn’t concentrate, had early-onset meat sweats and wished, for perhaps the first time in my life, that I hadn’t eaten that Burger King meal.

接下来的2个小时就是一场人和肉的较量。我没法集中注意力，出现早发性食肉导致的流汗并且希望，可能是我人生中第一次，我希望我没吃那顿汉堡王。

Has anybody else had a clean victory against the 4-stack burger at BK? Let me know – I need some moral support right now!

有谁在汉堡王战胜过这个4层汉堡吗？告诉我-现在我需要一些精神上的支持！

Burger King can’t fool me! (汉堡王耍不了我!)

So I saw this sign in the local Burger King…

我在本地的汉堡王看到这个标志…

It says “Come to BK and buy a drink, and you can get a Whopper for just 1rmb (£0.10p, 0.5rm, €0.10c, $0.14c)”.

上面写着’来汉堡王买任意中饮料,加一元(£0.10p, 0.5rm, €0.10c, $0.14c)得皇堡’.

BUT THEY CAN’T FOOL ME! Check out the date:

可是他们耍不了我!看一下日期:

April Fool’s Day! Or wait, is it April Fools’ Day? Either way…surely this can’t be true! Because I have no pride to Lose Weight Exercise/”>Lose Weight Exercise, I will go, check it out and report back…

4月愚人节!哦,等一下,是愚弄人的日子吗? 都一样…这一定不是真的!
因为我很自信我不会输,所以我会去探个究竟然后回来汇报…

Why Burger King is absolutely screwed.

Is it the £5 burgers? The fact you can’t pay by card? The inferiority of their chips vs. those of McDonald’s? Not even.

I’ll have it my way please – with a roof.

Final customer escape hatch…

I’m not cleaning it up.

There is a frigging huge hole in the roof, dripping water and dirt into the restaurant. Into the RESTAURANT. Can you imagine this happening in a McDo? It wouldn’t.

BK have nothing going for them right now (WAY too expensive, customer numbers decreasing, branches closing…), and yet they continue to make elementary mistakes and go about their business as if they don’t care whether they go bankrupt or not. And they will go bankrupt. And I won’t miss them.

But I will miss their burgers.