Food crisis

Our house is currently in the grip of a food crisis.

It began yesterday morning, when we ordered delivery from McDonalds (we were recovering from a particularly havoc-filled night). As we sat eating our Big Macs and chicken nuggets, a strange feeling of ‘wrong’ filled the room. It was like the end of a Japanese horror movie, where the ‘ghost’ which has been following the 7 year-old girl around is finally revealed.

The nugget that I was eating did not feel like a nugget should feel. It was too soft, too moist…too liquidy. I looked over at my partner-in-fast-food, and he knew what I was thinking. Actually, he was one step ahead of me, as he was already on his way to the bathroom to throw up. When he was done, I shoved past him and threw up too.

McDonald’s had made us sick. It was a betrayal of truly epic proportions. It felt like my parents had killed my twin brother and then slowly fed him to me over the course of several years, only much more upsetting. I can’t think about eating McDonald’s now without gagging. This may be permanent.

For the last 24 hours we’ve been coming to terms with the ‘dodgy dinner’. What if we can never eat McDonald’s again? We tried to cook some hash browns tonight in the microwave…but they were frozen in the middle and soggy on the outside. And tasted like dirt. You can’t recreate what McDo offers.

Now we need to know – what do normal people eat on a daily basis? What are our food options? What taste as good at 10am as it does at lunch time as it does at midnight? What is your go-to food?

It feels like I lost a friend yesterday. I’m hollow, empty. What is the point of living day to day with this feeling? I decided to find out how long I was going to be around for, and so did…

Life Expectancy Calculator – 85.5 years

…and got the horrible news that I would be alive for another 21700 days (approximately). Unless we can find some great new foods (and fast!), I think it will be substantially less than that…

Quick lunch @ 78

Just like our beloved Ajisen Ramen, 78 is a cheap and fast noodle restaurant near Jing’an Temple (静安寺), on the same road as Burger King and The Coffee Bean. They serve quite a good range of stuff (soups, noodles, hotpots, meat skewery things) and all the main stuff was between 20 and 30 rmb.

Ever since going on a modified version of the Atkins’ Diet (modified with unhealthy stuff), I have developed an occasional longing for fried eggs (I used to eat perhaps six per day while ‘training’ (lol)). The sight of this little beggar almost made me fall off my slightly uncomfortable stool:

It is a hot pot, and I actually burned my thumb on the bowl to prove how hot it was. Bit stupid really. I’m not quite sure where the egg-white went, but there’s something about that yolk that made me want to take it behind the middle school lockers and get it pregnant (TM Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock).

My partner in crime had a soup thing:

With a pork chop chaser:

I really appreciate this idea of being able to order fried meat as a supplement to almost anything, as it does seem to plug the gaps that the soupwater doesn’t fill.

To share we had a slightly uninspiring kebab collection, including tomatoes wrapped in bacon (what sort of devil made up that crooked recipe) and a sausage on a stick. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a sausage fan (HEY – NO) but it seemed out of place in the company of the super chicken pieces to its right. Whatever, I still ate it :P

Bi Feng Tang, Shanghai

Bi Feng Tang is a popular chain in Shanghai, serving solid quality and good value Cantonese food. The décor is meant to resemble a fishing village, but since I’ve never been to a fishing village in China or anywhere else, I can’t really comment on its authenticity. We were sitting under big umbrellas outside on the street, surrounded by bamboo huts. Five minutes after we arrived it began raining, so it had more to do with the British seaside than the Chinese coast…anyway…

We had a really great set of guides to help us order, however they thought it would be much more useful for our Chinese education (AND FUNNY HAHAHAAHGAAHAA) to only tell us the names of the food in Cantonese and Mandarin. Thanks guys! That being said, we could guess most of the things (Is it pink? It’s pork. Is it brown? It’s beef. Does it taste like crap? It’s a cherry tomato).

We (ok they) ordered about nine dishes in total…with varying results. Check out this British favourite:

If the word ‘bland’ could be made into a single dish, it would be this – like a mince pie without the mince.

Hmmm…dumplings in soup with a piece of soggy lettuce covering it. I don’t know who came up with this little combo, but it tasted really good (although WTF difficult to grab with my non-epic chopstick skills).

Duck…always an MVP on the chinese table…tasted amazing but the little bits of bone in some parts always scare me a bit. I think Jme pointed out how cheap chicken breast is in Taiwan compared to the thigh/leg/other parts with bones in. Maybe they like to play with their food before eating (a big no-no in my eyes).

Soo…the #2 prize on the table went to this little number. Really tasty pork meat, no bones and HOT! An (almost) winning combo. Also note the bread rolls (12 o’clock in this pic)…billed as an amazing delicacy they tasted like…bread. With sugar on. Meh. Also at 11 o’clock you can see this big plate of cold fishy things. I think we ordered that as part of the maritime theme…because nobody seemed to want to put it in their mouth.

As Ric Flair said, “To be the man, you’ve gotta beat the man” and nothing at the table was taking beef’s crown. Served steaming hot in a delicious tangy sauce…even the presence of a few bone bits couldn’t take away from this super food. I’m drooling just writing this.

Total price including beers, rice and some other dumpling things, around 80rmb (£6) per person. I’m going to get really fat here.

A New Day, Same Old Story…

It is with great sadness that I must pass on the information that Jme nearly buckled under the stress of the anti-diet yesterday, proclaiming that he was….considering….exercising! Disgusting. I just want to let him know that we’re all behind him 100% in this time of need and that he will get through this…

On the flipside of this coin…I’M EATING CHRISTMAS CAKE MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! And Cheddars!!!! Wait, wait…I think I’m putting on a couple of….NOTHINGS!!!! You fat girls better recogniseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee this washboard stomach is HERE – TO – STAY!!!!!

Munch Updates:
Last night Jme, J and I went out and we went BIG in an effort to really prove ourselves in the munch department. J did the most admirable act thus far in the Anti-Diet – he bought a BOTTOMLESS FROZEN YOGHURT. He didn’t quite empty the machine ‘My teeth are frozen!’ but good effort nonetheless. It’s this sort of attitude that keeps others motivated to continue…

Foodles:

Oli: Today – half a packet of cheddars (THE BIG ONES YOU BASTARDS NOT THOSE FAGGOT MINI BITCH BABIES), a massive chunk (I’m not playing with you) of Christmas cake…Mature cheddar cheese ciabatta and mayo (and salad – they insisted!!!), bag of crisps, other half of packet of Cheddars, Philadelphia sandwich….
Last night: Half a chicken, corn on the cob, chips, about 2 litres of alcomohol flavoured crap (does that qualify as food?), marshmallows, fried egg sweets

Jme: The other half of the chicken, corn on the cob, chips (i’m sure he’ll update with his post-party snackos at home)

J: Leek sausage (if I remember correctly) and mash potato (the cornerstone of the anti-diet (well it’s not actually (but it should be!))). BUCKET of chicken and chips at lunchtime (mad respect). Whatever he ate when he got home (probably a horse)…

Z: Last night had 8 gin and tonics, this morning a bowl of special k and i’m going out to (Editor’s Note – MEDIA) lunch though so will eat a lot!
Media Lunch – i had a smoked salmon gateaux for a starter, and lamb with spinach and roseamary jus for main and lots of wine…

T: Hook me up!

FiFi: Today: okay today, breakfast- nothing. Lunch- dietcoke, subway (roast beef n cheese)
Yesterday: Hmmm…The other half of the marshmallows, vodka, chiken burger (NANDO’s chicken burger not Gayburger from Gayber King) and chips, I have a suspicion she snacked at home but we await confirmation…

Jme’s Intro…Feel his wrath

(Unedited)
Having seen the perils of the woman and her eternal nemesis, the pudding, the breakfast, the lunch, and pretty much anything that she can eat we too have joined the ranks of those on a diet. However, kind as we are, this be the Anti-Diet whereby we, Oli, Jme and J, will strive to counter act all the goodness that them there women put into their bodies… we will eat whatever we like, do next to no Lose Weight Exercise and every week put on exactly O pounds/kilos/ounces/yadda… Thus we will prove once and for all that if you want to Lose Weight Exercise/”>Lose Weight Exercise Lose Weight Exercise/”>Lose Weight Exercise-weight-Lose Weight Exercise/”>Lose Weight Exercise you can forget tables, points and other such bunkum and get yo’ asses down the gym, stop drinking alcohol, eating sugar and snacking… a non gluten low carb vitamen e high blah di snar diet will not do anything for you…. it’s all nonsense

So, without further ado, where’s that lurpak…

The Next Level

Oli: 2 hob nobs, 3 philadelphia sandwiches, 1 bag salt and vinegar crisps

Jme: Toast x 2, banana crunchy nut cornflakes (large bowl), bacon sandwich, Chicken sundried ciabatta, danish

Z: bowl of special k for brekkie, then a jacket potato with tuna and salad for lunch

T: breakfast – fat free strawberry yoghurt (Editor’s Note – shudder x 2), lunch – bagel with humous, ham and cherry tomato (sounds gross actually was great, made it myself) (Editor’s Note – Yes, it does sound gross), dinner (will be) – sainsburys be good to yourself low fat pasta with ham and mushroom microwave meal (Editor’s Note – Horror.)

I just had another hob nob when I was writing that and I could feel it not going straight to my thighs and bum…

Updatesville*Updated

WELLLLLL here’s some updates…I have the promise of a new member to our motley crew of (non) slimmers (I think she’ll be on the healthy side, not sure though…)

SOO last night:

Oli: Box of raisins, Philadelphia sandwich x 2, cheese and onion crisps (high fat), assorted toffees (yumm)

JME: crisps, banana, yoghurt, toasted cheese sandwich, roast chiken, mash peas broccoli, then cereal, a brunch bar and some chocolate…

J: Breakfast: Muffin and a (Editor’s Note – big) pretzel. Lunch: fatty bacon and brie sandwich, bag of crisps. Dinner: huge plate of pasta with cheap ass sauce and a full packet of Jaffa cakes…(Editor’s Note – Additional info: he went straight to bed right after dinner, so no time to burn any calories – true grit and dedication to the cause…)

Z: She’s still asleep

T: breakfast – handful of pretzels (Editor’s Note – obviously there’s a weird pretzel phenomenon sweeping the world…), lunch – bowl of vegetable soup, afternoon – chocolate muffin, dinner – sainsbury be good to yourself low fat pasta with salmon and vegetables (microwave meal), later – 3 cubes chocolate

I think we can see that, due to our girls’ attempt at goodness, they obviously both feel as guilty as hell because they both BROKE from the strain and gobbled some chocolate. This just means that JME, J and myself will need to gobble ten times as much to compensate…

More updates and fun later…and pictures of fat people and thin people to give us MoTiVaTiOn!!!

I can hear the feeling of my stomach

But that aside – Last night was a CrAzY night – the office party started at 6pmish, and after playing this game where we all put a photo of ourselves as a baby and then had to guess everyone (except that I put a picture of a penguin in there and amazingly there were a number of people who didn’t realise it) we went to this French restaurant called Bar du March�. Nice. The menu:

Pat� de canard
STEAKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
Some shitty pudding

Oh yeah and because the board members were there:

WINE x lots

After we’d trimmed off the deadwood (the vast majority of the staff) the hardcore remained, and thus we headed off into London looking for some after hours drinking. We stumbled across a Sohoian place that was average,, but by then I was a bit wankered so I didn’t care one bit…Mojitoooooooooooooo x 2 later and it was my turn to go to the bar. There were two girls there, let’s listen in:

Girl 1: Hello
Me: Hi
Girl 2: Hello
Me: Hi
Girl 1: We went to dancing school
Me: Nice
Girl 2: I can put my leg above my head
Me: Do it
[Girl 2 puts her leg in a vertical line until her foot is above her head]
Me: *Faint*

2.30 this places shut but the sick bastards wanted to carry on – we were told of a bar in Chinatown called Bar 13 – as we arrived outside it there were police dragging one guy away – Let’s go!!! But it was �7 just for the honour of going in so fuck that, night bus home and 3 hours sleep.
I feel grrrrrreat.

Soham murder trial jury sent home – 3 days of deciding…I reckon there’s someone in there who doesn’t agree with the rest (or 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 or 6 or 7 or 8 or 9 or 10 or 11 (oh wait, but 11 would be one…oh shit i’m confzd now)
PSX rolls out in Japan, but analysts disappointed – Yeah but it’s fuckin cool.
Toshiba preps sub-1in HDD – You must see this hard disk it’s tiny (geeks only)

The official Counter Strike website – If you want to upgrade your RETAIL version of CS to 1.5 so that you can use it on your sexy computer and play on warwick server woooo hoooo etc etc then go here…